When Feeling Good Feels Wrong: The Hidden Cost of Dismissed Childhood Joy
Something really great just happened. You got a promotion, hit a personal milestone, or someone gave you a heartfelt compliment. But instead of feeling happy, proud, or excited, you feel…nothing. Or worse, you might feel uneasy, embarrassed, even guilty.
You brush it off (“It’s not a big deal”), make a joke, or quickly change the subject. Maybe you don’t even share your good news at all because deep down, it feels too exposing or uncomfortable to be celebrated. The idea of letting yourself feel joy, satisfaction, or pride doesn’t come naturally. Instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment, you feel vulnerable or “off,” like this just isn’t something you’re supposed to own or enjoy.
Does this sounds familiar?
If so, you might have grown up in an environment where you learned that happiness, pride, and excitement weren’t safe emotions to have.
How Parents (Unintentionally or Not) Shut Down Joy
Even the most well-meaning parents can send the message that joy, excitement, or pride aren’t welcome. If this rings true, you may have heard things like:
“Don’t get too excited, it won’t last.”
“Nobody likes a showoff.”
“Calm down already, that’s enough.”
“Good for you, but don’t expect a celebration.”
“Must be nice to have it so easy while the rest of us work hard.”
“Stop bragging, you’ll upset your sibling.”
For a child, these reactions don’t just shut down a single moment of happiness, they can reshape their sense of self. A developing brain is wired for connection first. That means a child doesn’t think: my parent must be having a tough time with their own feelings. If they receive the same joy-squashing messages consistently, they eventually begin to learn:
Other people’s comfort matters more than my happiness.
Getting excited means I’m setting myself up for disappointment.
Being proud makes me unlikable.
If I celebrate myself, I’ll be punished.
If I feel good, I’m being selfish.
Feeling joy makes me a target. It’s safer to hide this part of myself.
If I shine too brightly, someone will put me back in my place.
These statements reflect the deep, internalized messages that shaped previous generations often without recognition or awareness. For this reason, some may have trouble viewing these experiences as harmful, but mental health experts now group them as a form of "little t" trauma, often tied to emotional neglect. What was once dismissed as just the way things were is now recognized as something that can deeply impact a child’s self-worth, relationships, and emotional wellbeing well into adulthood.
How This Shows Up in Adulthood
When joy was met with discomfort, criticism, or outright abuse, engaging with positive feelings can feel unnatural and even threatening later in life. This might look like:
Downplaying achievements – Brushing off praise, attributing success to luck, feeling awkward, deeply uncomfortable, or undeserving when others celebrate you.
Bracing for disappointment – Feeling like something bad must be coming whenever things are going well. Unable to enjoy the present moment because you’re anxious about the future.
Guilt around happiness – Struggling to enjoy your success or achievements because others (especially family) might not have it as good.
Difficulty with vulnerability – You may be hyper independent, telling yourself you prefer being this way. This can limit your ability to get the support you need or connect deeply with others.
Feeling disconnected from joy – Not knowing how to fully enjoy positive feelings and experiences without a nagging sense of unease or unworthiness.
Relearning That Joy Is Safe
The fantastic news is that experiences from childhood don’t have to define you. Just like these patterns were learned, they can be unlearned over time. Here are some ways I help my clients get reacquainted with owning their good feelings:
Notice the discomfort. The next time joy feels weird, pause and ask: What’s happening in my body? What thoughts are showing up?
Identify the “rules” you inherited. What messages did you receive about happiness, pride, or excitement? Are they actually true?
Give yourself permission. Positive emotions aren’t something you have to earn. You don’t need approval, a reason, or the “right” circumstances to feel good.
Practice receiving. The next time someone compliments or celebrates you, resist the urge to deflect. Let it in, even if it feels uncomfortable.
Process emotions tied to joy. Some people find it helpful to work with a trained mental health professional to explore positive emotions, especially when those feelings bring up discomfort, guilt, anger, or conflicting emotions past experiences.
How Therapy Can Help
This is a huge part of my work with clients. I enjoy working with people to improve their capacity to experience positive emotions so they don’t feel overwhelming, indulgent, or unsafe. The goal isn’t just to tolerate joy, it’s to fully experience it, without guilt, shame, or a weird sense of unease blocking it.
You deserve to feel good. And, when you start owning your right to joy, life starts to feel more open, expansive, and fulfilling.
If this resonates with you, I’d love to connect. Feel free to book a consultation with me here, and let’s explore this together.
